Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Relationships: Having "the talk"

For anyone, relationships are a rocky road to navigate. We're human, and so we make mistakes and too often hurt the people we love. Tonight, I was talking with a friend (and lovely co-worker) about "the talk" I have to have with guys, sometimes before dating, and always, always, before things get serious physically. I explained to her what my "talk" might sound like (things will be different, here's why, etc) and she said: "you sound like a sex-ed teacher." This comment made me laugh, but it also made me think about how things have changed, stayed the same, and how many paths I've forged for myself. First off, I used to have "the talk" about disability with all friends, and many people walked away from me. I had "the talk"
with teachers, some of whom were refreshingly supportive and one who stands out in my mind because, even though I was in her honors Spanish course for fun, she called me a retard. This is another post in and of itself, but in order to maintain my intelligence, all too often I was and am forced to be juxtaposed or juxtaposed myself against the mentally disabled. Until we develop a language with which to talk about disability, this question of "belonging" will haunt us all. But I digress.
Today, I could not be happier. I have a supportive, loving group of friends that's there to understand, listen, and be there when I need them for anything from typing to laundry to flashcard making. One friend even realized cutting up my own steak out is an issue (thanks e). All of these are things I cannot do on my own. So, the heartbreak of my childhood, something I thought I would never escape, is gone. But in its place is the world of meeting someone special (and I truly believe he's out there). Having had one serious relationship in my life: I know someone can see past your disability into your soul and still find you attractive. But as weird as it sounds, I need someone who finds my disability attractive. Put another way: I need someone that understands that my disability is a part of me; thus, not ignoring it, but loving me anyway, it is not giving me the love I want or need. I want someone who sees my disability as one of my many quirks, like my obsessive need for coke, pointed effort to say 'i love you' to people when I mean it, being argumentative and passionate about my beliefs, and loving (needing) to debate said issues. I can't help but be compassionate to everyone; and often, this leads to what my friends call a "motherly quality." I take care of others, I hope, just as much as they do me.
Then, there's the talk I have now, about how things are different in the bedroom when your disabled. And I hope my partner will see this as an adventure and not freakery. Actually, I won't settle for anyone who doesn't. But my openness also brings into strong relief the reality that, as someone in special ed at a young age--sex ed was not even an issue remotely thought about. Disabled people were and still are not seen as sexual beings. Thankfully, I was blessed with a hippie-like, non-judgmental mother who provided all the education I needed and then some, at times. Without this, I doubt I would be as well adjusted as I am. I and other disabled women constantly search for something, together, that we find beautiful.
Though normally (I hate the word here, but it fits, in an ironic way) insecure, my mother taught me that my difference is not who I am, but a part of who I am, and that difference is what makes the world beautiful, and me unique. So, while "the talk" will always make me nervous with someone new--there's also this beautiful hope that they'll surprise me and a deeper talk beyond the basics will not be necessary, nor will "talking" be the reason they decide to move on.

JUST AS A CLOSING STATEMENT: A disabled person having sex is considered illegal, under sodomy laws. And while one might think, oh, well, that'll never go to trial--it has. A husband committed a crime by deciding to surprise his beautiful, disabled wife with a weekend at a resort.

And, a report on yesterday: After writing this, I got a wake-up call. Someone new to our university(in a position of power, persay) thought that I was unable to do my job as a writing tutor because of my disability. I have created a world of understanding it seems, but once in awhile, I am jolted into reality where slowing typing skills(though I type 60 wpm with one hand) means a slow brain. now, if that isnt something to think about for you and I--I don't know what is.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Crystal- I think that one day someone is going to surprise you at understanding they are and how much they love you. When I hear you talk about love it always saddens me because you always act as if you'll never find it. Love isn't something that everyone finds, true. However, I believe that with all you have to offer to the world, there is NO way you won't find someone who loves you exactly for who you are.

I know I'm slightly biased- I have found love- but I truly believe that, even if it doesn't happen when your still in school, that what you have to say and do will draw that someone special to you. I know that where ever you go in life you will raise your voice and you will make yourself understood. You will make people listen to you. You will have people that love and cherish you. And someone will open thier heart to you and you'll find love.

In the meantime: you know I love you!

Anonymous said...

more blogs, please! :) xox, megs.